There's something that's been bothering me lately...something I'm scared of.
I haven't been really vocal about this yet, because I wasn't sure how people would react. I didn't want to be judged. But, I've decided that most of you followers of my blog will totally "get it".
As you know, I'm pregnant with baby number 3. I wasn't going to have any more children. I had come to terms with being the Mom of two terrific boys.
Yet, God's plan was different from mine, and here we are excited to be expecting a baby girl.
This is where the fear comes in. There are so many days that I feel like I already have everything I can handle already on my plate. I often feel like God overestimates my abilities to handle the stress that comes along with having a child with special needs.
I wonder if this baby I'm carrying will also have SPD. I worry that the sleepless nights I endured with Andy will return. I wonder if she'll be irritable and have the chronic ear infections and reflux.
I secretly hope that she doesn't have any sensory issues. And that makes me feel terrible. I've loved every minute of being Andy's Mom...even the challenging parts. I wouldn't change any of it. I've grown so much as a person and I've become a great advocate for my children. I've learned to help other parents who are coping with SPD come to terms with the diagnosis and move forward. I've educated lots of people about what SPD is.
I just feel like I would love to have a child without a diagnosis, and that makes me feel selfish. I should be blessed that this is all I have to deal with. Things could be so much worse. SPD, in the scheme of things, is a little thing. My child is still a bright, funny, sweet boy. He makes me smile every day.
I know that if this little one is born with SPD, I can handle it. I can handle anything. Andy and Nate taught me that. I also know that I will love her unconditionally no matter what.
So, that's what I've been afraid of. It's just my hormones, I know. But, I feel better having admitted it. Thanks for understanding.