Tuesday, November 2, 2010

I'll admit, I'm a little scared...

There's something that's been bothering me lately...something I'm scared of.

I haven't been really vocal about this yet, because I wasn't sure how people would react. I didn't want to be judged. But, I've decided that most of you followers of my blog will totally "get it".

As you know, I'm pregnant with baby number 3. I wasn't going to have any more children. I had come to terms with being the Mom of two terrific boys.

Yet, God's plan was different from mine, and here we are excited to be expecting a baby girl.

This is where the fear comes in. There are so many days that I feel like I already have everything I can handle already on my plate. I often feel like God overestimates my abilities to handle the stress that comes along with having a child with special needs.

I wonder if this baby I'm carrying will also have SPD. I worry that the sleepless nights I endured with Andy will return. I wonder if she'll be irritable and have the chronic ear infections and reflux.

I secretly hope that she doesn't have any sensory issues. And that makes me feel terrible. I've loved every minute of being Andy's Mom...even the challenging parts. I wouldn't change any of it. I've grown so much as a person and I've become a great advocate for my children. I've learned to help other parents who are coping with SPD come to terms with the diagnosis and move forward. I've educated lots of people about what SPD is.

I just feel like I would love to have a child without a diagnosis, and that makes me feel selfish. I should be blessed that this is all I have to deal with. Things could be so much worse. SPD, in the scheme of things, is a little thing. My child is still a bright, funny, sweet boy. He makes me smile every day.

I know that if this little one is born with SPD, I can handle it. I can handle anything. Andy and Nate taught me that. I also know that I will love her unconditionally no matter what.

So, that's what I've been afraid of. It's just my hormones, I know. But, I feel better having admitted it. Thanks for understanding.


  1. I think you're just being honest. I totally respect that.

  2. Stay positive. Trust in God and yourself. Once you see your little angel, nothing else will seem important. Don't worry, I know it is easier said than done.

  3. God doesn't give us more than we can handle and I know you know that. I respect you for putting your feelings out there. I have terrified sometimes that my almost 18 month old baby girl will have SPD also. My 8 year old son has Aspergers and SPD and sometimes I look at her and see similarities and immediately I want to block them out and say she's just growing and learning from him. I wonder though...it's just like us mommies to worry about our babies =)

  4. Brandi,

    I don't think that you're being selfish at all. I think that it's a normal concern for any parent that already has a child with SPD. We never asked for our children to be like this and neither did they.
    It hurts sometimes to see our SPD child having to struggle through life. But, it's out of love for our children that we are concerned.

  5. I am so glad that you wrote this post. I have felt this same way and am so glad that someone else has these same thoughts. We know that we want more babies too and god willing will have another one soon. But I think about this all the time. I wonder if I could handle going through this all again. Of course I know that I could and I would. And I would love any child, but I feel so guilty for having these thoughts.

  6. I don't have children and can't begin to know what it's like to be a mother, never mind a mother of special needs children. But I do know 'fear' very well. And what I've come to understand about fear is that it leads us to some of the most amazing and beautiful things on the other side of it.

    It's ok to be scared. Embrace it. Own it. And know you have everything you need inside of you and surrounding you to get you through.

  7. It's 3am and I'm searching frantically through the Internet to find others on my situation. I am up because me 3 year old daughter with SPD just can't and wont sleep. I have an 18 month old who so far does not seem to have SPD however when he walks on his toes I have a fear that grips me inside. I already can't handle my 3 year old. How will I handle another child with SPD? To add to this I am expecting baby # 3 in 4 months and we are moving homes before then. I wonder how My daughter is going to get through the next year of transition as I am not proud of behavior towards my chronically overtired child who screams at the top of her lungs at 2am. I lost it and yelled and screamed myself after an hour of being calm and trying to soothe her and make her feel secure. It just didn't work. Will it get better as she gets older? I can't handle the stress anymore and I feel as I'm doing harm toy unborn child. Not to mention the stress my older child is under as well (she must be stressed with all the crying she does!). Thank you for writing your blog. I hope to one day feel as positive as you sound in your posts. I'm at the point where I just want to walk out and have someone else handle this. Although i know I will never ever do that!

  8. Oh, ac, my heart breaks for you. It's definitely tough to deal with as a parent, and often there isn't a lot of support. I hope you have found some peace with the situation and are doing better. I've been there, believe me.